LIFE AND ITS BEAUTIFUL STRUGGLES

Sometimes life in my case will throw things at me that I feel right off the bat I'm not going to be able to deal with. I found that if I sit down and think about them before I react that I will be fine and I will find a way to take care of them. LOL couple of years ago I would be out drinking right now thinking that I'm gonna find a way to deal with them in a drunken stupor. Funny how and alcoholic mind thinks huh. Today I am sitting at work writing this blog in hopes of helping myself feel a little more at ease. So far so good. I have support and a loving family and a loving fiance in my life and those things alone help me in my everyday struggle. Today i will try like every other day in my life to be a better person. My worries and feeling are at ease and i will keep telling myself that, because positive thinking only ends up in positive results. I'm listening to Christmas music right now by Frank Sinatra, love that guy and it makes me feel warm and festive in the season.
This Christmas is going to be one that I will never forget, I have a new daughter and fiance that I get to buy presents for and it it excites me with great pleasure to finally have something like that. I think I might even have money to buy everyone else presents as well. So be happy people. I remember a time where I thought of Christmas as another time to party lol, now it is about family. New things are to come and I am ready and excited for them. I am a different man today and can handle anything that I put my mind to. Feels pretty good.

Family

You the people that stand next to me and the people that I love. You that never turn your back. You that show love to the ones that I love. Today was my step daughters birthday party and it was amazing. My mom and and family and her Mom through a party that was amazing. My whole family showed up and chipped in for everything that was served, I could not believe the love that they all showed for my new family. I know they are wonderful people but, to show love the way they did today for my new daughter was in most ways the most love i have ever seen. I know with YOU I would not be able to be the man I am today. Right now we live at my grandmothers house and we love it. Grandma couldn't be a better person in Shyla's life she loves her so much that it is hard to explain. Grandma loves children with more love then I have ever seen someone express. She is an amazing woman and because of her me and my new family have a lot more today. I want you my family to know that you are the most amazing people in my life and if it were not for you I would probably be in a lot worse place today. You all support me so much that i don't even know how to say thank you enough. Here is my letter to you, thank you from the bottom of my heart and thank you for standing next to me in lots of rough times. Today was amazing and to each and everyone of you I thank you over and over. You are special people and me and we are all very lucky to have each other. Family is most important and it has taken me until I was 29 years old to figure that out. Well at least I figured it out. Again this is to everyone in my family and I mean everyone I love you and am very proud to say I am your family as well. From Shyla Johnna and me, YOU ROCK Hopefully I am able to get this to you all and maybe you will read some of my other blogs it says a lot about me that is hard to say in person. You will get a better point of view of my struggles that I face in everyday life. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH.

Stress

Stress is one of my biggest downfalls. I let things bother me way to much and I cannot do that. I feel as if little things drive me fuckin insane and that I cannot help them. I think right away that I want to drink because of my stressful situations. This I know is no way to fix the feelings that I am having. Just kinda writing at random because I feel I need to. Right now in my life I have a fiance and her little daughter which I see as my daughter as well. I feel as if I am always trying to discipline the little one. I know this is normal but I feel like a really mean person.It is very stressful to have a child in your life you want the best for them. I feel as if I am not making enough money I am not treating her right or I am not a good enough dad. I know this is prolly not true but it is the way i feel. Ii need to really realize that I cannot control everything as much as I want to. I need to realize that I cannot change things that I have no power over. I feel as if the weight of the world is on me and I do not know how to make it weight less lol. Anyways this blog made no sense at all but I feel a little better for sitting here and maybe letting another person know that they are not the only person with stress out there. Through all of these feelings though. I HAVE NOT DRANK.

War Stories

Hahahaha these are stories that people like to tell to show everyone how cool or how hard they party. I used to like telling these stories as well. I know today people only here what is going wrong in your life instead of what is good in your life when telling these kind of stories. People really dont like to hear about how you partied this hard and did this drug and hooked up with this girl. Believe me they don't. I have been on both sides of the spectrum and know that people wpould rather hear about the good you brought to your life or somone else's life. When I hear some of my friends tell these stories it brings me back to the days of my addiction and gives me thougths that I know longer what to have. The war stories I hear from my friends do not even compare to the things that I have done in my past, and I am not in any way proud to be able to say that. I try not to have conversations like this with my friends ,because when i do I get horrible feelings of wanting to go out and do those things. I am not saying that it upsets me when they talk of these things but I know it is something i do not want to relate with anymore. I find this is why I push some of these people out of my life. I dont want to be drawn into any kind of partying of that sort anymore. Its not cool nor will it bring any benifet to my life in any way. Anyways that was just a thought I had over the last weekend and I thought I would share it with anyone who wants to read it. Love you all Jonny B

Vegas and Starbucks

This is an early blog, Good morning everyone hope your day is going good. This morning I went into Satrbucks and got a skinny vanilla latte. Yummmy. While i was there the girl behind the counter was telling her coworker that she just got back from Vegas for 4 days. Instantly I was a little jealous. Vegas was a stomping ground for me I have been there around 40-45 times crazy huh. Well where do all drunks go that they can be the drunk they want to be, VEGAS hahahah. As I listen to her talk about her time there she went on to say "yeah it was crazy everynight at least one of my friends got kicked out of the club". So funny to me because when i used to tell people stories like that I thought it was cool and sounded funny as well. It sounds really fucken dumb to a normal person LOL and by no means am I saying I'm normal. Next thing she went on to say while laughing was yeah and two of my friends had to go to the hospital becaue they partied to much and one got something slipped into her drink. YEAH RIGHT, she prolly slipped it into her own drink lol don't try and tell a seasoned vet a lie. LOL Anyways as I heard all this I went from being jealous to being glad I was at home instead of Vegas losing my ass and ruining my body and mind. These are things that happen to me everyday, the person that is still out there wouldn't have heard it the way I heard it. The difference is my mind is clear and it is easy to see insanity in my world now. Anyways I love you all and make today a great day. Jonny B

I'm Back

Well I have had a rough week. This week life through me some challenges that i had to think long and hard about. I had to take a deap breathe and step out of the situation to find direction to resolve this problem. Today the man I am can figure out how to handle life when life shows up. I did not talk to those I was upset with for about two days. I hurt some people around me by not talking, but I think that I would have hurt them a lot worse if I were to show up mad while I tried to explain myself. This was hard for me because I saw the one I love cry, it kills me inside to see her cry. Never have I felt that way before in my life. I remeber in other relationships I have had I would kinda almost like to see them cry because it made me feel more impowered. Geez what a horrible way to be. That is me in my disease a person who cannot feel nor wants to know what feelings feel like. I am glad that things that are really hard to deal with and things that are really great in my life showed up in a time where I am a stronger man. Amazing how life works send me the worst and best things in life, cause today i can handle both, I know how to deal with the bad and greet the best. Awesome. My life is free and I am feeling better. I'm getting married on Feb 20th, 2010 and I am marrying a woman that I Knew that I would marry from the first movie we watched. I remember feeling like wow honestly i wanted to leave anywhere i was just to go see her. That is very odd for me I am not a one woman man, and today i can only see myself with one. Funny thing is i used to hide behind my feelings and never say what I want, this time i did express my feelings and life in two days got better then it has been in the last two years. Anyways this is a very random and not put together well blog. BUT its my blog so bite me. LOL Love you all have a great night. Jonny B

Sex,Girls,Alcohol

When i decided to get sober I had a lot of worries that some people have a hard time talking about. I will try to be as honest as I can in this one lol. Some of my thoughts were how am I supposed to talk to girls. Every girl I knew drank, pretty sad huh. Well alcohol is like liquid courage, it helps you relax and makes you feel like you can be the person you really want to be. LOL this is all wrong it makes you a person that you def don't want to be. If you were to see yourself drunk believe me you would think twice about getting drunk again just so you could talk to a girl. Although you have heard something like that before it still does not make a difference in your choice to drink another night. Since I have stopped drinking I still go out, very little but every once in a while I go out. Let me tell you something guys if you are the only sober guy at the club believe me you are the best thing in most girls eyes. To find this out though you will need to try and go out and not drink just once. You will find you are better at everything you do when you are straight minded. AND I MEAN EVERYTHING GUYS.
There were other worries for me as well, sex is a very strong influence on whether you make a decision to get sober or n0t. Guys think that when they are drunk they are 100 times better in bed, this is way wrong as well. You are much more aware of what you are doing and aware of the needs of your partner in which case will make you better for her and for you.
Alcohol will give you the illusion that you are better. Try it sober and she will give you an honest answer. If that does not make you sober up I don't know what will.
"Some researchers estimate that as many as 54% of alcoholic men have difficulties getting and maintaining erections, and decreased sexual desire has been found in between 31-58% of men across several studies." By Cory Silverberg